The unexpected

Photography is more than just pictures for me, more than just photographing the next session and filling the books. It's an art. And often times so many things rush through my mind when I am out photographing nature, birds or family sessions. And the last few months that has been the case.

I have been in a season of rest (or at least trying to). But I occasionally scroll through media. I have see so many posts about loss and unexpected moments where life takes a hard turn.  If I’m honest, my heart is just heavy for you all.  You’re probably thinking; this is a heavy topic for a first blog (haha). Well, you aren’t wrong. But let’s be honest, those unexpected moments happen more than we care to admit. I think they deserve some talking time.

I have encountered many that have experienced great loss in their lives lately. I believe that’s the most heart shattering thing one can personally go through. In particular, the loss of a love one or a child. For those that don’t know my story, my husband and I encountered a season of pregnancy and loss in the early years of our family planning. I feel this heavy burden to ensure others that they are not alone in this journey. It’s a topic many shy from talking about and that was me for many years. Why aren’t most women open about sharing their struggles and loss with family planning? I felt alone and blamed myself for something completely out of my own control.

The unexpected loss of a child, in a time that is so exciting and rich, then became the most unexpected challenge to process. I remember having this super cute way to announce to my husband and my emotions were are at an all-time high as he embraced me with excitement. I am sure you are thinking back to telling your spouse the amazing news of your pregnancy and the excitement that comes with that. But then the next moment you are in a state of deep disbelief as the Doctor tells you that your pregnancy isn’t viable. I remember driving home in silence with tears down my face. I couldn’t even ugly cry. Not long after, the feelings of disappointment, sadness, and anger wheeled up inside of me. Ugh, then that “big question” you feel desperate for an answer from surfaces- why?

Here is the thing - I don’t know why. I don’t know why God allowed me to go through such a deep time of hurt and despair in my life. I don’t know what your situation looks like. Your story may be similar to mine or it may not. You may have encountered unexpected loss of a spouse, a living child, sister, friend or you’re dealing with a major medical hurdle like cancer. Whatever you are going though I know that what we feel is intended for harm, God will turn it into good.

I still don’t know the answer to my seasons of miscarriages and I don’t know that I ever will until the day I get to ask. Reflecting over those times from what was to where I am now, I can say that my faith is stronger and I am more grateful and thankful for the two blessings that God granted us after the fact. My two children are a testimony of faith and prayer.  God is still good! What I thought was intended for harm, He had a plan! I also know that God has used my story to reach other women who feel discouraged, depressed, confused and angry and to meet them where they are and let them know they aren’t alone.

Be vulnerable to share your story so that you can meet other women to come along side you, find grief counseling to heal from your past hurts and learn how to properly grieve. And to the men- I never realized how hard my husband took our series of losses. I was stuck in a deep mindset of personal loss that I neglected to understand his feelings. Even though he did not physically lose a child, he still experienced unexpected loss and hurt. I tried to process my loss alone for too many years. So, if that is you reading this today- You are NOT alone! God still has good in store for you, even if you’re not at a place you can see it or feel it. Don’t suffer alone in your silence.

Unprocessed grief can change a person and often it is never for the better. It is okay to feel and to be in a place that you are not ready to talk or process, but don’t stay there. My prayer is that one day you can feel peace with the grief that has weighted you down and that you can experience a rich and joy-filled life again. And even if you aren’t a believer or a Christian- there is always hope. Keep hoping!

Let this be your hope song.

Even when I don’t see it, you’re working

Even when I don’t feel it, you’re working

You never stop, you never stop.